LIFE OF AGONY
You've worn make-up for years onstage and on the set of TV shows - do you have any advice for removing it?! Particularly eyeliner!
Marilyn Says: "You could just wear sunglasses. That would be a start. I've found black eyeliner is the cornerstone of rock 'n' roll. Tight pants, black eyeliner, you need to start there... or no pants and sunglasses. I usually put my make-up on with my fingers for the most part. I find that it's never too much when it comes to eyeliner. For the record, the best-looking eyeliner is the 'I just work up and got fucked really bad last night' look."
I think I'm gay... actually, I know I'm gay. I don't wanna hide it anymore, what should I do?
Marilyn Says: "First of all, I don't know that you're hiding it. To start by saying you're gay seems honest. I'd just say there's no reason to really advertise what your sexuality is, unless you're looking to get fucked. At that point, you might just want to draw an arrow towards your mouth, or towards your butt, or towards your crotch, depending."
I have a birthmark that looks like a spider. I think it's pretty cool, but my friends hate spiders. Any advice?
Marilyn Says: "Get new friends. Honestly, as long as the spider isn't located too close to your Venus flytrap, then you've got nothing to worry about."
I really want a pet cat, but we already have a pet dog and my parents won’t let me have another pet. What should I do?
Josh, Merthyr Tydfil
Marilyn Says: "Either the dog goes, or your parents do. I'd suggest the parents. I'm saying kill them with kindness, obviously. Or show them pictures of you having sex with the babysitter and just drive them out - see what happens."
I got some inheritance money that my parents said I had to use as a deposit on a house. I spent it on therapy. Can you help me?
Marilyn Says: "yeah, if you pay me as your therapist, I'll help you. No more advice until you pay."
I have dreams every night that I'm being eaten by a giant crocodile. It's horrible. What should I do?
Marilyn Says: "Take, er, medication, and then you won't go to sleep, but then you could end up in an actual location where there are real crocodiles. I've heard that some drug dealers keep crocodiles as pets - and this based probably on my friendship with Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad. Face your fears; face the dragon. When someone was freaking out about sharks, I said, 'They're just fucking fish, relax.' But crocodiles, I think that's paranoia. They're not gonna eat you, unless you're really small..."